Damned if I do....

I am trying to turn over a new leaf and reconnect with old friends in an effort to be more outgoing. Our calendar for next month is filling up faster than you can say, "Playdates and pot lucks."  To save money, I have invited two couples over for an informal dinner at our house and planned a birthday brunch for my husband with his immediate family.  Nothing crazy or extravagant, although my girlfriends (without kids, who still live it up and drop loads of cash on drinks, food, entertainment and fashion) have invited me to a night out that I plan on going to... just for the first part: dinner and drinks at a fancy downtown restaurant, which is sure to be expensive. And the hubbie ain't happy about any extra spending.

But, I have to keep my foot in the door, right? I have to at least try to keep up.  I feel I'm already on the edge of being dropped off the evites and Facebook messages.  I imagine someone pausing and hesitating to add me to the list, considering that I haven't been able to make it out to much in the past four years.  I'm one overpriced meal away from being an outcast! And let me just say it's a bummer not being tagged in any photos and seeing the news feed filling up with comments about how much fun was had by all.

So, I'm making an effort.  Yay, me...Or not. Money is tight and we are over-budget... who isn't these days? I definitely don't want to stress my husband out over this.  I'm going to try to cook inexpensive meals for us and our guests. Despite my best efforts, I'm afraid I'll still be in the doghouse for theoretically overextending us this month. You can't please everyone and I'm always trying. Too bad it never seems to make me happy!

Girls' Night

A night out with the girls was one of my favorite activities back when I actually had a social life.  But since I was one of the first and few of my friends to have kids, I feel like a misfit.  I can never seem to attend these expensive, late-night outings at exclusive restaurants and bars.  I just haven't been able to find a strapless nursing bra or breastpump that fits into a trendy, designer clutch.... oh, and there's that little problem of spending $100 that I don't have to shake a booty that is still two dress sizes too large. 

I'm sure my girlfriends may be wondering, "Why not just leave the kids with your husband for the night?" Sure.  That will be really easy for all involved.  Pumping enough milk ahead of time, leaving my husband who is already exhausted from a week of working his stressful job to try to do baths and bedtimes for a preschooler and infant--an infant who doesn't take a bottle well and doesn't sleep through the night.  Meanwhile, I'll be out all night, while engorged, trying to keep up with conversations about reality TV, designer handbags and inside jokes from the many previous outings I missed while I was pregnant or in the post-partum period.  That sounds like such a blast!

Honestly, I am dying to get out and cut loose.  But more than that, I am dying to have some quality time with my girlfriends filled with quiet conversations and heart-felt laughter over a glass of wine in the comfort of someone's home.  If I want that, I'll probably have to host it myself.  It actually really hurts my feelings that get-togethers are so non-inclusive for a new mom.  Because I am nursing my baby, I am not able to make it to the winery tour, dinners an hour or more away, bars, clubs, week long trips to Mexico, etc. 

Sorry to rant but I just feel SO completely left out.  I feel like there's an expectation for me to be out, which makes me feel guilty on many levels.  Even if I can overcome the guilt of leaving my kids and husband to make it out to something, I am so "out of the loop" that I feel like a stranger.  The sad thing is that I could really use some friends now... I am finding life as a stay at home mom to be pretty isolating, despite my best attempts at getting together for playdates, and exhausting.  But I guess people don't "get it" until they find themselves in this position down the road.  And, by then, I'll finally be ready for a girl's night out!

More coffee, please.

I love my morning cup of Joe.  It's not from some trendy cafe, but rather the grocery store aisle.  It's not a name brand, just the grocer's generic ground coffee beans in a foil bag with the little plastic ties at the top to "seal in the freshness."  I brew it half-asleep, add a dollop of my favorite non-dairy creamer and cling to those two warm cups of creamy goodness.  I am in awe over its power to awake and refresh me on my darkest mornings.

As a breast-feeding mom, I'm cautious about my consumption of caffeine. It is my daily treat: two cups of half-caffeinated coffee. When I was pregnant and nursing my first baby, I abstained all together from caffeine.  How ever did I do it? I certainly wasn't getting any sleep back then.  Maybe it was the paranoid, sleep-deprived new mom in me who feared the effect of caffeine on an infant. Now, I say, "Bring it on"... in moderation, of course!

What is your favorite morning brew?  Coffee or tea?  How do you drink it?  Or do you opt for herbal tea or orange juice? If so, you're a stronger person that me. :)

So, I'm writing this novel...

Ah, the unfinished novel tucked in a side drawer.  I have one of those... but it's tucked away on my hard drive collecting digital dust.  It's really something I started as a form of therapy (like this blog) but the hustle and bustle of life seemed like enough of an excuse to go on hiatis.  Now it's time to pick it back up.  I sat down to read through the 110-or-so pages last week and I felt overwhelmed.  That familiar feeling of self doubt washed over me.  But, who cares if I'm not the world's greatest novelist?  Who cares of the only person reading is me?  At least chipping away at a few days a week will give me a much-needed creative outlet and some sort of catharsis. That's worth the long hours spent squinting at the computer screen in a dark room while my kids and husband are sleeping soundly. 

Stephanie Meyer started much the same way, right?  She's secretely a hero of mine: a mother of three and self-made novelist/millionaire. Way to go!  All you need is an idea.  Maybe this story of teenage angst set in 1990s America is my ticket?  Time will tell, but I'm not writing in hope of fortune or fame. I'm just writng to fulfill that need to be heard, to express the emotions tucked away inside through a compelling story and dynamic characters.  It's a story that's close to me--autobiographical of sorts, a natural first attempt at a novel--and I want/need to get it off my chest.  Of course, the names and facts will change to protect the innocent... haha.

Here's my plan: write for one hour three times a week.  That's it.  I'll start small and see how it goes and I'll check in on the blog to keep me honest. Better start writing!

"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"

The title of this poem pops into my head a lot lately.  I think I first read it in high school and felt a real sense of compassion and loss for the "caged bird/ who sings of freedom."  I hate to admit it, but there are times when I feel like my metaphorical wings have been clipped and it I, too, am roaming a narrow cage.  As a new mother of two and stay at home mom, I sometimes feel as though the free spirit I once was is confined and stifled, longing to be free. 

Motherhood is a wonderful blessing, but self-sacrifice comes with the job.  Marriage is a safe haven--the arms of a loving partner are the refuge from a cruel world--but it also means giving your will over to someone else.  The lines blur and your find yourself not knowing where you start and the other person begins.

Over time, I feel myself losing my youthful optimism, creativity and passion for life.  Maybe that happens with age (or lack of sleep), or maybe I need to step out of my comfort zone, stop complaining and start doing the things that make me happy.  Although, Ms. Angelou likely wrote this poem about an individual's right to be free--heavy stuff--I can't help apply it to my own circumstances. I am searching for liberation from my own feelings of inadequacy and to find my purpose... whether it be raising great children, applying my God-given gifts to help others, or just growing a little as a person everyday.