Hello, Stranger.

Long time, no see.  A few years and one child later, here I am (with many of the same feelings I shared back then).  The postpartum period seems to be a difficult time for me emotionally and socially.  Anxiety. Depression. Sleep deprivation. But I love my life and I love my family.  Bottom line.  I think I have accepted that this is a season in my life and I try so desperately to savor the moments--to catalog them and preserve the joy to be fully appreciated and enjoyed some time in the future.  But, I wish I was enjoying them fully now.  I will keep trying.  I will keep counting my blessings and giving lots of hugs.  I will keep writing (when I can find a few spare moments).  I will smile.

Sticks and Stones

I remember it vividly. My mom kneeled down in front of me, with her hands on my shoulders, and recited an age old rhyme. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."  What an ingenious idea!  The words of a neighborhood bully cannot inflict physical harm. Even at age five, I got the message.  But, why then, was there still this piercing feeling in my chest.? A burning sensation on my cheeks?  Butterflies in my stomach?

The truth, I've learned, is that words do hurt.  They have the power to soothe or to sting, to elevate or destroy.  Words are powerful.  A wise man once said, "Handle them carefully, for words have more power than atom bombs."  I have no doubt.  The encouragement and praise I've received through the years built me up just as childhood and teenage taunts tore me down. Entire societies have rallied around a single message, armies around a battlecry.

Then, why is it, if words are so important, do we rarely think about how we talk to ourselves?  I'm am totally guilty of engaging in defeating self talk.  The words that cross my mind and my lips are so often negative, critical and argumentative.  I could really benefit from conciously intercepting these hurtful messages before they can drag me down.  In order to become a more positive, uplifting and loving person, I need to change the way I talk to myself. 

This sounds hard, but I will give it a try.  I've heard a lot about the whole "power of attraction" theory and think there may be some merit to the idea.  Like attracts like--I've seen it with people, with situations--why not with thoughts and feelings?  If I use kind and uplifting words, won't I feel uplifted too?  Let's get lifted. :)

"If you wish to know the mind of a man, listen to his words."

-- Chinese Proverb

When is a cucumber like a strawberry?

"When one is in a pickle and the other is in a jam."  My son told this joke a lot when he was three.  It got some laughs.  But, it got me thinking... Are the strawberries and cucumbers of the day-to-day (i.e., mouthy preschooler, sleepless baby, husband working late, to-do list a mile long) really just opportunities to make jam and pickles?  It's like the old adage, "Life gives you lemons, make lemonade."  Man, my fruit cravings are out of control. :)

My point is, while the big and little problems in life often have me feeling trapped, maybe there is a way to shift my perspective and see the bigger picture.  This is a huge challenge for me.  It's difficult for me to see things on the macro level--what really matters and what doesn't--and the negative feelings that result are roadblocks to happiness and productivity.  My soul is always in unrest.

Next time I feel overwhelmed/tired/frustrated/angry/depressed I am going to ask myself an important question.  No, it's not, "When is a cucumber like a strawberry?"  It's a question that appeared in an email newsletter I subscribe to, and I kind of like it. 

The question is: "What is my soul inviting me to learn from this situation?”

According to the email message, "the answer will always revolve around a quality or value, like gratitude, freedom, compassion, love, will, humour or acceptance. The answer will also always promote union rather than separation."  Hmmm... so you mean my children are not trying to torture me?  My husband isn't spending extra time at work to avoid having to clean up dinner, put the kids to bed or do laundry?  You mean, I'm supposed to be learning something from all this?!  Of course, I'm being facetious.  But, I do need a reminder to change my thinking and reflect on the lessons to be learned from everyday situations.

I challenge myself to find the meaning in life's little debacles. Maybe awareness that there is something to be learned is really all that's needed to diffuse my tension and solve the problem.  Here's a thought to leave you with from some scientist dude--maybe you've heard of him. 

"Out of clutter, find Simplicity. From discord, find Harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

-- Albert Einstein

What's Missing?

"Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else."

-- Wayne Dyer

According to the above quote, absolutely nothing is missing.  Then why do I go through so many days of my life feeling empty and incomplete?  Maybe I am just running on empty.  A good night's sleep goes a long way toward having a positive attitude and seeing myself for who I truly am. 

All too often, I star the day off with the thought that I'm not doing enough... that I am not enough.  I come down so hard on myself for having a messy house, kids who don't sleep through the night, weight to lose, spending too much at the grocery store, etc.  If I was still working, my ugly inner voice would be saying I don't know enough, I need to speak up, I should work faster and smarter, etc.  I foolishly think life will be better once I have the moving boxes unpacked, the kitchen painted, time to exercise... you get the idea. Why do I do this to myself?

I want to enjoy now. I want to live in the moment, not live with an eye on a more perfect future me.  I want to love myself for who I am today, even with all my perceived flaws. Most of all, I want to stop looking for what's missing and start appreciating what I have. That means giving myself credit where credit is due, not looking to others for approval but finding satisfaction within, and remembering that I have special gifts and talents to offer.  I am unique and who I am is who I am supposed to be!

It is critical for me to change my perspective for two reasons.  My current attitude isn't getting me anywhere, that's for sure.  I spend every day feeling inadequate, which leads me to my second point.  A mother who is not confident and happy can not possibly be the best mother she is capable of being.  I want to instill a sense of self-reliance and positive thinking in my children.  I want to teach them compassion and strength and that starts with me.

We're letting her cry it out... don't judge me!

This weekend, Dr. Sears moved out and Dr. Ferber moved in....  And, my, oh my, has my sweet baby been crying a lot.  I do feel badly about that, but she has not cried longer than five minutes without my husband or I coming in for a reassuring pep-talk.  "It's okay, we love you.  It's time to sleep."  She has no idea what our gibberish means, but is so insulted when we turn and walk away.  I can tell by the high-pitched wailing coming from her room.  Poor thing.  It's an awful sound for a mother to hear, but I do think we are turning a corner.

The first night she cried for almost an hour before falling asleep SITITNG UP!  Crazy.  Then she slept for three hours straight!  I had three hours to myself.  Unreal.  She is usually up every 30-45 minutes when she's sleeping in her room, then every hour or so to nurse when she is sleeping in my bed.  Seriously.  I would not being doing this if either myself or my baby were getting adequate sleep.  I was basically on the edge of exhaustion-induced insanity.

Although, it's been a tough weekend emotionally for both of us, I believe she is learning to fall asleep on her own.  And, don't tell Dr. Ferber, but I do bring her into our room to sleep with me when she wakes in the middle of the night.  My boobs are like bowling balls by then... so we both need some bonding time.  I don't want give up sleeping with her completely, I just want her to be able to regular naps, fall asleep without too much help and sleep for longer than a half an hour at a time.  With a preschooler and an eight-month old baby, I have to get rest to be at the top of my game.  You know what they say, "If mama's not happy, no one's happy!"  Ain't that the truth.

Amatuer Botanist/Horticulturist Extrordinaire

That's me. I checked out an easy guide to tree identification from the library and I am a reading while walking and pointing, tree identifying Nancy Drew!  I even impressed my husband with my knowlege... not an easy task. We moved to a new home recently and the mature trees in our yard were nothing but barren stick figures... but now, they are budding and blossoming and I am so fascinated! 

I feel like I'm solving a mystery each time I deduce which tree is which.  "You eluded me before, but now I've caught you red-handed Mr. Silver Maple!"  "Give it up, Sweet Birch, I've got you all figured out!" Seriously, it's a fun hobby.  I hope to bestow this newfound knowledge on my son so, he too, will feel like a super sleuth. :)

Attachment Parenting... Where did I go wrong?

Despite my good intentions of cultivating a loving, nurturing relationship with my son, I may have created a monster.  Call me Mama Frankenstein... "It's ALIVE!"

I blame Dr. Sears.  I read his books--The Attachment Parenting Book and The Disapline Book-- and frequented his website and AP parenting boards as a young parent.  Almost four years later, I can't help but feel cheated.  I wore my baby for hours everyday, I slept with him everynight, I breastfed him for two years, I used gentle redirection and tried to follow his sage advoce to a "T."  As a result, I suffer from terrible back pain, my husband and I NEVER have a full night's sleep or time for each other.  We are exhausted, completely burnt out parents to a preschooler who has no boundaries, no sense of authroity, doesn't listen, won't eat more than the same five foods all the time, never sleeps through the night and is disruptive in school. Where did we go wrong?  Maybe we shouldn't have listened to him in the first place.

I can't help but compare us to another family we know.  They are the same age as we are and started their family about a year before us.  From what I understand, their kids pretty much slept through the night from two or three months old and were not breastfed.  The parents are able to leave the kids with family for frequent nights' out with friends, datenights and weekend-long trips.  Their kids seem very well-adjusted, rested and behaved.  Our friendsseem awake, productive, energetic, social and have a happy outlook on life.  My husband and I are anything but.

I feel like parenting this way has sucked all the youth, optimism and energy right out of me!  And, now, with baby number two almost eight months old and not one single full night of sleep since her birth, nursing on demand (every hour or so--she WON'T take a bottle), and one night out with my husband I just can't go on this way.  I may throw myself out a window!  No joke.

What now?  "Cry it out" for the baby and "tough love" for the preschooler?  Does that make us bad parents?  Bad parents who get some sleep?  Bad parents who have some control who aren't ready to call in Super Nanny?  We'll see.  I just don't want to fail my children... by not setting firm boundaries and establishing authority, I may have set them up to be unsuccessful in the real world and that is really disheartening.