Damned if I do....

I am trying to turn over a new leaf and reconnect with old friends in an effort to be more outgoing. Our calendar for next month is filling up faster than you can say, "Playdates and pot lucks."  To save money, I have invited two couples over for an informal dinner at our house and planned a birthday brunch for my husband with his immediate family.  Nothing crazy or extravagant, although my girlfriends (without kids, who still live it up and drop loads of cash on drinks, food, entertainment and fashion) have invited me to a night out that I plan on going to... just for the first part: dinner and drinks at a fancy downtown restaurant, which is sure to be expensive. And the hubbie ain't happy about any extra spending.

But, I have to keep my foot in the door, right? I have to at least try to keep up.  I feel I'm already on the edge of being dropped off the evites and Facebook messages.  I imagine someone pausing and hesitating to add me to the list, considering that I haven't been able to make it out to much in the past four years.  I'm one overpriced meal away from being an outcast! And let me just say it's a bummer not being tagged in any photos and seeing the news feed filling up with comments about how much fun was had by all.

So, I'm making an effort.  Yay, me...Or not. Money is tight and we are over-budget... who isn't these days? I definitely don't want to stress my husband out over this.  I'm going to try to cook inexpensive meals for us and our guests. Despite my best efforts, I'm afraid I'll still be in the doghouse for theoretically overextending us this month. You can't please everyone and I'm always trying. Too bad it never seems to make me happy!

Girls' Night

A night out with the girls was one of my favorite activities back when I actually had a social life.  But since I was one of the first and few of my friends to have kids, I feel like a misfit.  I can never seem to attend these expensive, late-night outings at exclusive restaurants and bars.  I just haven't been able to find a strapless nursing bra or breastpump that fits into a trendy, designer clutch.... oh, and there's that little problem of spending $100 that I don't have to shake a booty that is still two dress sizes too large. 

I'm sure my girlfriends may be wondering, "Why not just leave the kids with your husband for the night?" Sure.  That will be really easy for all involved.  Pumping enough milk ahead of time, leaving my husband who is already exhausted from a week of working his stressful job to try to do baths and bedtimes for a preschooler and infant--an infant who doesn't take a bottle well and doesn't sleep through the night.  Meanwhile, I'll be out all night, while engorged, trying to keep up with conversations about reality TV, designer handbags and inside jokes from the many previous outings I missed while I was pregnant or in the post-partum period.  That sounds like such a blast!

Honestly, I am dying to get out and cut loose.  But more than that, I am dying to have some quality time with my girlfriends filled with quiet conversations and heart-felt laughter over a glass of wine in the comfort of someone's home.  If I want that, I'll probably have to host it myself.  It actually really hurts my feelings that get-togethers are so non-inclusive for a new mom.  Because I am nursing my baby, I am not able to make it to the winery tour, dinners an hour or more away, bars, clubs, week long trips to Mexico, etc. 

Sorry to rant but I just feel SO completely left out.  I feel like there's an expectation for me to be out, which makes me feel guilty on many levels.  Even if I can overcome the guilt of leaving my kids and husband to make it out to something, I am so "out of the loop" that I feel like a stranger.  The sad thing is that I could really use some friends now... I am finding life as a stay at home mom to be pretty isolating, despite my best attempts at getting together for playdates, and exhausting.  But I guess people don't "get it" until they find themselves in this position down the road.  And, by then, I'll finally be ready for a girl's night out!