Sticks and Stones

I remember it vividly. My mom kneeled down in front of me, with her hands on my shoulders, and recited an age old rhyme. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."  What an ingenious idea!  The words of a neighborhood bully cannot inflict physical harm. Even at age five, I got the message.  But, why then, was there still this piercing feeling in my chest.? A burning sensation on my cheeks?  Butterflies in my stomach?

The truth, I've learned, is that words do hurt.  They have the power to soothe or to sting, to elevate or destroy.  Words are powerful.  A wise man once said, "Handle them carefully, for words have more power than atom bombs."  I have no doubt.  The encouragement and praise I've received through the years built me up just as childhood and teenage taunts tore me down. Entire societies have rallied around a single message, armies around a battlecry.

Then, why is it, if words are so important, do we rarely think about how we talk to ourselves?  I'm am totally guilty of engaging in defeating self talk.  The words that cross my mind and my lips are so often negative, critical and argumentative.  I could really benefit from conciously intercepting these hurtful messages before they can drag me down.  In order to become a more positive, uplifting and loving person, I need to change the way I talk to myself. 

This sounds hard, but I will give it a try.  I've heard a lot about the whole "power of attraction" theory and think there may be some merit to the idea.  Like attracts like--I've seen it with people, with situations--why not with thoughts and feelings?  If I use kind and uplifting words, won't I feel uplifted too?  Let's get lifted. :)

"If you wish to know the mind of a man, listen to his words."

-- Chinese Proverb

When is a cucumber like a strawberry?

"When one is in a pickle and the other is in a jam."  My son told this joke a lot when he was three.  It got some laughs.  But, it got me thinking... Are the strawberries and cucumbers of the day-to-day (i.e., mouthy preschooler, sleepless baby, husband working late, to-do list a mile long) really just opportunities to make jam and pickles?  It's like the old adage, "Life gives you lemons, make lemonade."  Man, my fruit cravings are out of control. :)

My point is, while the big and little problems in life often have me feeling trapped, maybe there is a way to shift my perspective and see the bigger picture.  This is a huge challenge for me.  It's difficult for me to see things on the macro level--what really matters and what doesn't--and the negative feelings that result are roadblocks to happiness and productivity.  My soul is always in unrest.

Next time I feel overwhelmed/tired/frustrated/angry/depressed I am going to ask myself an important question.  No, it's not, "When is a cucumber like a strawberry?"  It's a question that appeared in an email newsletter I subscribe to, and I kind of like it. 

The question is: "What is my soul inviting me to learn from this situation?”

According to the email message, "the answer will always revolve around a quality or value, like gratitude, freedom, compassion, love, will, humour or acceptance. The answer will also always promote union rather than separation."  Hmmm... so you mean my children are not trying to torture me?  My husband isn't spending extra time at work to avoid having to clean up dinner, put the kids to bed or do laundry?  You mean, I'm supposed to be learning something from all this?!  Of course, I'm being facetious.  But, I do need a reminder to change my thinking and reflect on the lessons to be learned from everyday situations.

I challenge myself to find the meaning in life's little debacles. Maybe awareness that there is something to be learned is really all that's needed to diffuse my tension and solve the problem.  Here's a thought to leave you with from some scientist dude--maybe you've heard of him. 

"Out of clutter, find Simplicity. From discord, find Harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

-- Albert Einstein

What's Missing?

"Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else."

-- Wayne Dyer

According to the above quote, absolutely nothing is missing.  Then why do I go through so many days of my life feeling empty and incomplete?  Maybe I am just running on empty.  A good night's sleep goes a long way toward having a positive attitude and seeing myself for who I truly am. 

All too often, I star the day off with the thought that I'm not doing enough... that I am not enough.  I come down so hard on myself for having a messy house, kids who don't sleep through the night, weight to lose, spending too much at the grocery store, etc.  If I was still working, my ugly inner voice would be saying I don't know enough, I need to speak up, I should work faster and smarter, etc.  I foolishly think life will be better once I have the moving boxes unpacked, the kitchen painted, time to exercise... you get the idea. Why do I do this to myself?

I want to enjoy now. I want to live in the moment, not live with an eye on a more perfect future me.  I want to love myself for who I am today, even with all my perceived flaws. Most of all, I want to stop looking for what's missing and start appreciating what I have. That means giving myself credit where credit is due, not looking to others for approval but finding satisfaction within, and remembering that I have special gifts and talents to offer.  I am unique and who I am is who I am supposed to be!

It is critical for me to change my perspective for two reasons.  My current attitude isn't getting me anywhere, that's for sure.  I spend every day feeling inadequate, which leads me to my second point.  A mother who is not confident and happy can not possibly be the best mother she is capable of being.  I want to instill a sense of self-reliance and positive thinking in my children.  I want to teach them compassion and strength and that starts with me.

We're letting her cry it out... don't judge me!

This weekend, Dr. Sears moved out and Dr. Ferber moved in....  And, my, oh my, has my sweet baby been crying a lot.  I do feel badly about that, but she has not cried longer than five minutes without my husband or I coming in for a reassuring pep-talk.  "It's okay, we love you.  It's time to sleep."  She has no idea what our gibberish means, but is so insulted when we turn and walk away.  I can tell by the high-pitched wailing coming from her room.  Poor thing.  It's an awful sound for a mother to hear, but I do think we are turning a corner.

The first night she cried for almost an hour before falling asleep SITITNG UP!  Crazy.  Then she slept for three hours straight!  I had three hours to myself.  Unreal.  She is usually up every 30-45 minutes when she's sleeping in her room, then every hour or so to nurse when she is sleeping in my bed.  Seriously.  I would not being doing this if either myself or my baby were getting adequate sleep.  I was basically on the edge of exhaustion-induced insanity.

Although, it's been a tough weekend emotionally for both of us, I believe she is learning to fall asleep on her own.  And, don't tell Dr. Ferber, but I do bring her into our room to sleep with me when she wakes in the middle of the night.  My boobs are like bowling balls by then... so we both need some bonding time.  I don't want give up sleeping with her completely, I just want her to be able to regular naps, fall asleep without too much help and sleep for longer than a half an hour at a time.  With a preschooler and an eight-month old baby, I have to get rest to be at the top of my game.  You know what they say, "If mama's not happy, no one's happy!"  Ain't that the truth.

Amatuer Botanist/Horticulturist Extrordinaire

That's me. I checked out an easy guide to tree identification from the library and I am a reading while walking and pointing, tree identifying Nancy Drew!  I even impressed my husband with my knowlege... not an easy task. We moved to a new home recently and the mature trees in our yard were nothing but barren stick figures... but now, they are budding and blossoming and I am so fascinated! 

I feel like I'm solving a mystery each time I deduce which tree is which.  "You eluded me before, but now I've caught you red-handed Mr. Silver Maple!"  "Give it up, Sweet Birch, I've got you all figured out!" Seriously, it's a fun hobby.  I hope to bestow this newfound knowledge on my son so, he too, will feel like a super sleuth. :)

Attachment Parenting... Where did I go wrong?

Despite my good intentions of cultivating a loving, nurturing relationship with my son, I may have created a monster.  Call me Mama Frankenstein... "It's ALIVE!"

I blame Dr. Sears.  I read his books--The Attachment Parenting Book and The Disapline Book-- and frequented his website and AP parenting boards as a young parent.  Almost four years later, I can't help but feel cheated.  I wore my baby for hours everyday, I slept with him everynight, I breastfed him for two years, I used gentle redirection and tried to follow his sage advoce to a "T."  As a result, I suffer from terrible back pain, my husband and I NEVER have a full night's sleep or time for each other.  We are exhausted, completely burnt out parents to a preschooler who has no boundaries, no sense of authroity, doesn't listen, won't eat more than the same five foods all the time, never sleeps through the night and is disruptive in school. Where did we go wrong?  Maybe we shouldn't have listened to him in the first place.

I can't help but compare us to another family we know.  They are the same age as we are and started their family about a year before us.  From what I understand, their kids pretty much slept through the night from two or three months old and were not breastfed.  The parents are able to leave the kids with family for frequent nights' out with friends, datenights and weekend-long trips.  Their kids seem very well-adjusted, rested and behaved.  Our friendsseem awake, productive, energetic, social and have a happy outlook on life.  My husband and I are anything but.

I feel like parenting this way has sucked all the youth, optimism and energy right out of me!  And, now, with baby number two almost eight months old and not one single full night of sleep since her birth, nursing on demand (every hour or so--she WON'T take a bottle), and one night out with my husband I just can't go on this way.  I may throw myself out a window!  No joke.

What now?  "Cry it out" for the baby and "tough love" for the preschooler?  Does that make us bad parents?  Bad parents who get some sleep?  Bad parents who have some control who aren't ready to call in Super Nanny?  We'll see.  I just don't want to fail my children... by not setting firm boundaries and establishing authority, I may have set them up to be unsuccessful in the real world and that is really disheartening.

Let Sleeping Babies Lie

Why do I feel like a failure as a mother when my baby won't take naps in her crib or sleep through the night?  When your infant is a good sleeper you have ultimate bragging rights.  But when, in my cause, you have a history of breeding bad sleepers, the other mommies look at you with disgust.  Maybe I am exaggerating.  But there's always the mom's who are quick to criticize.  "You don't let her cry it out?"  "You let her take naps in the carseat?"  And, the ultimate 'sin', "You let her sleep with you all night?!"

Yes, we are a co-sleeping, bedsharing kind of family for many reasons, but mostly because that's the only thing that ever allowed us to get enough sleep.  I use the term "enough" loosely, because we NEVER get enough sleep anymore.  Cosleeping works pretty good at night (if you like sleeping on your side all night with your arms contorted and waking up with a backache every single morning) but what about during the day time when our baby has to take those pesky naps?  Forgo those little siestas and she transforms into a gremlin... as did my olderst before her.  But, with one child I was able to enforce a strict napping schedule in the crib and time all my activites and errands around that glorious schedule.  With the second, that all went out the window.

The poor girl spends a couple hours a day in her carseat where she does most of her sleeping while we're on the way to preschool, swim lessons, the grocery store, dry cleaners, play dates, you name it.  Now the only place she will nap is in that carseat... she HATES the crib.  She's also super alert at this age and very wakeful, taking only 15-30 minute cat naps throughout the day and waking up at any little sound or movement.  When we're home I try rocking her and nursing her to sleep, putting her down and half of the time she wakes right up.  The other half of the time, the dog barks, my oldest makes a racket, the door squeaks, etc. and she is up again.  This happens over and over until I'm ready to pull my hair out and my oldest has watched way too many videos.

What's a mom to do?  I really am not down with the whole cry it out thing.  It seems so insensitive and cruel, although I have considered it.  My husband is pushing it... we're not exactly on the same page, but he defers to me most of the time.  Is there any hope for us? I sure hope so!!

Damned if I do....

I am trying to turn over a new leaf and reconnect with old friends in an effort to be more outgoing. Our calendar for next month is filling up faster than you can say, "Playdates and pot lucks."  To save money, I have invited two couples over for an informal dinner at our house and planned a birthday brunch for my husband with his immediate family.  Nothing crazy or extravagant, although my girlfriends (without kids, who still live it up and drop loads of cash on drinks, food, entertainment and fashion) have invited me to a night out that I plan on going to... just for the first part: dinner and drinks at a fancy downtown restaurant, which is sure to be expensive. And the hubbie ain't happy about any extra spending.

But, I have to keep my foot in the door, right? I have to at least try to keep up.  I feel I'm already on the edge of being dropped off the evites and Facebook messages.  I imagine someone pausing and hesitating to add me to the list, considering that I haven't been able to make it out to much in the past four years.  I'm one overpriced meal away from being an outcast! And let me just say it's a bummer not being tagged in any photos and seeing the news feed filling up with comments about how much fun was had by all.

So, I'm making an effort.  Yay, me...Or not. Money is tight and we are over-budget... who isn't these days? I definitely don't want to stress my husband out over this.  I'm going to try to cook inexpensive meals for us and our guests. Despite my best efforts, I'm afraid I'll still be in the doghouse for theoretically overextending us this month. You can't please everyone and I'm always trying. Too bad it never seems to make me happy!

Girls' Night

A night out with the girls was one of my favorite activities back when I actually had a social life.  But since I was one of the first and few of my friends to have kids, I feel like a misfit.  I can never seem to attend these expensive, late-night outings at exclusive restaurants and bars.  I just haven't been able to find a strapless nursing bra or breastpump that fits into a trendy, designer clutch.... oh, and there's that little problem of spending $100 that I don't have to shake a booty that is still two dress sizes too large. 

I'm sure my girlfriends may be wondering, "Why not just leave the kids with your husband for the night?" Sure.  That will be really easy for all involved.  Pumping enough milk ahead of time, leaving my husband who is already exhausted from a week of working his stressful job to try to do baths and bedtimes for a preschooler and infant--an infant who doesn't take a bottle well and doesn't sleep through the night.  Meanwhile, I'll be out all night, while engorged, trying to keep up with conversations about reality TV, designer handbags and inside jokes from the many previous outings I missed while I was pregnant or in the post-partum period.  That sounds like such a blast!

Honestly, I am dying to get out and cut loose.  But more than that, I am dying to have some quality time with my girlfriends filled with quiet conversations and heart-felt laughter over a glass of wine in the comfort of someone's home.  If I want that, I'll probably have to host it myself.  It actually really hurts my feelings that get-togethers are so non-inclusive for a new mom.  Because I am nursing my baby, I am not able to make it to the winery tour, dinners an hour or more away, bars, clubs, week long trips to Mexico, etc. 

Sorry to rant but I just feel SO completely left out.  I feel like there's an expectation for me to be out, which makes me feel guilty on many levels.  Even if I can overcome the guilt of leaving my kids and husband to make it out to something, I am so "out of the loop" that I feel like a stranger.  The sad thing is that I could really use some friends now... I am finding life as a stay at home mom to be pretty isolating, despite my best attempts at getting together for playdates, and exhausting.  But I guess people don't "get it" until they find themselves in this position down the road.  And, by then, I'll finally be ready for a girl's night out!

More coffee, please.

I love my morning cup of Joe.  It's not from some trendy cafe, but rather the grocery store aisle.  It's not a name brand, just the grocer's generic ground coffee beans in a foil bag with the little plastic ties at the top to "seal in the freshness."  I brew it half-asleep, add a dollop of my favorite non-dairy creamer and cling to those two warm cups of creamy goodness.  I am in awe over its power to awake and refresh me on my darkest mornings.

As a breast-feeding mom, I'm cautious about my consumption of caffeine. It is my daily treat: two cups of half-caffeinated coffee. When I was pregnant and nursing my first baby, I abstained all together from caffeine.  How ever did I do it? I certainly wasn't getting any sleep back then.  Maybe it was the paranoid, sleep-deprived new mom in me who feared the effect of caffeine on an infant. Now, I say, "Bring it on"... in moderation, of course!

What is your favorite morning brew?  Coffee or tea?  How do you drink it?  Or do you opt for herbal tea or orange juice? If so, you're a stronger person that me. :)

So, I'm writing this novel...

Ah, the unfinished novel tucked in a side drawer.  I have one of those... but it's tucked away on my hard drive collecting digital dust.  It's really something I started as a form of therapy (like this blog) but the hustle and bustle of life seemed like enough of an excuse to go on hiatis.  Now it's time to pick it back up.  I sat down to read through the 110-or-so pages last week and I felt overwhelmed.  That familiar feeling of self doubt washed over me.  But, who cares if I'm not the world's greatest novelist?  Who cares of the only person reading is me?  At least chipping away at a few days a week will give me a much-needed creative outlet and some sort of catharsis. That's worth the long hours spent squinting at the computer screen in a dark room while my kids and husband are sleeping soundly. 

Stephanie Meyer started much the same way, right?  She's secretely a hero of mine: a mother of three and self-made novelist/millionaire. Way to go!  All you need is an idea.  Maybe this story of teenage angst set in 1990s America is my ticket?  Time will tell, but I'm not writing in hope of fortune or fame. I'm just writng to fulfill that need to be heard, to express the emotions tucked away inside through a compelling story and dynamic characters.  It's a story that's close to me--autobiographical of sorts, a natural first attempt at a novel--and I want/need to get it off my chest.  Of course, the names and facts will change to protect the innocent... haha.

Here's my plan: write for one hour three times a week.  That's it.  I'll start small and see how it goes and I'll check in on the blog to keep me honest. Better start writing!

"I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"

The title of this poem pops into my head a lot lately.  I think I first read it in high school and felt a real sense of compassion and loss for the "caged bird/ who sings of freedom."  I hate to admit it, but there are times when I feel like my metaphorical wings have been clipped and it I, too, am roaming a narrow cage.  As a new mother of two and stay at home mom, I sometimes feel as though the free spirit I once was is confined and stifled, longing to be free. 

Motherhood is a wonderful blessing, but self-sacrifice comes with the job.  Marriage is a safe haven--the arms of a loving partner are the refuge from a cruel world--but it also means giving your will over to someone else.  The lines blur and your find yourself not knowing where you start and the other person begins.

Over time, I feel myself losing my youthful optimism, creativity and passion for life.  Maybe that happens with age (or lack of sleep), or maybe I need to step out of my comfort zone, stop complaining and start doing the things that make me happy.  Although, Ms. Angelou likely wrote this poem about an individual's right to be free--heavy stuff--I can't help apply it to my own circumstances. I am searching for liberation from my own feelings of inadequacy and to find my purpose... whether it be raising great children, applying my God-given gifts to help others, or just growing a little as a person everyday.